Lorne: The Owner's Guide And Maintenance Manual
by samshair
Summary: Will your LORNE refuse to come out of his room? Is he using too much hot water? Is his singing starting to annoy you? Maybe you didn't read the manual properly. Now's the time to read it once more, and get things settled.


Got the idea from Bookhobbit, god knows where it was before that. That is why you don't eat food off the ground.

Lorne, Angel, Gunn, Numfar and any other characters I mentioned belong to Mutant Enemy.

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Lorne: The Owners' Guide And Maintenance Manual**

Congratulations! You are now the owner of a fully-automated **LORNE **unit. To ensure that you get the full use and benefits of your musically inclined demon, please pay close attention to the following instructions.

**Basic Information: **

**Name: **Lorne, The Host, Krevlornswath of the Deathwok Clan (rarely used, not recc.)

**Date Of Manufacture: **Unknown

**Place Of Manufacture: **W&H Characters, Alternate Dimensions Division

**Height: **Around 6'2"

**Weight: **Unknown

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**Your LORNE will come with the following accessories:**

Two casual outfits

Two pairs of shoes

One fancy-shcmancy suit

One karaoke machine (additional CDs sold separately)

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When you first open your **LORNE** unit, he may be slightly mussed. Let him use your bathroom to tidy up.

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**Programming:**

Your **LORNE** unit is friendly and cheerful, and can carry out the following functions:

**Performer: **Whether it's a big social function or a small get together, your **LORNE** unit will be happy to sing for your guests entertainment.

**Host: **As his normal occupation is working Caritas, **LORNE** is fully functional as a party host for any occasion.

**Guidance Counselor: **Having problems with life? Just sing a little tune and your **LORNE** until will be able to point your miserable existence into a fuller meaning.

**Spy: **Not in the kick-ass sense, but your **LORNE** unit can be a bit of a smooth talker at times. If he really likes you, he may be able to get information out of your enemies. If they aren't scared straight at the sight of a demon!

**Your LORNE unit comes with six different modes:**

Friendly (default)

Talkative

Nosy

Serious

Angry

Evil

The default friendly mode is different from the talkative mode, no matter how similar they may seem. In the talkative mode, the **LORNE** will have more comments, questions, useless jokes, and will, in general, talk your ear off.

The nosy mode is activated whenever a topic of interest is brought up around the **LORNE** unit. He will attempt to get as much information as possible from you, your friends, and anyone in the room. The mode will not turn off until his curiosity is satisfied, or you make him serious.

Serious mode is activated when the **LORNE** unit is having a touchy conversation with the **ANGEL** unit, or if someone's future is terribly concerning, or, as some would say, "Not all hugs and puppies".

The angry mode is rarely activated, unless the topic of his family is brought up. **MOM**, brother **NUMFAR**, and cousin **LANDOK**. This is quite easily avoidable.

The evil mode is locked, and you will probably never see it in use. However, if you believe the mode has been activated, contact us at our main office. We will have certified experts to tell you not to panic.

**Relations with other units:**

The **LORNE **unit has had no problem getting along with any other units in the past, and so you do not have to worry about feuds between units. If you do encounter problems, "That Old Gang Of Mine" must have aired somewhere, and the** LORNE **unit will not talk to the **GUNN** unit. Not to worry, it will pass.

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**Cleaning: **The** LORNE **unit will have no trouble washing itself. He may use all the hot water, though, so be sure that you do not need a shower immediately after him. He will also tend to sing in the shower. Hopefully, you do not mind the Sound Of Music.

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**Energy: **The **LORNE** unit will eat most of what is put in front of him, but he really wouldn't mind if your home had an expansive wine cellar.

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**Frequently Asked Questions:**

**Q: **My unit has disappeared completely. Where did he go?

**A: **He has probably been taken back to Pylea. Do not worry, he'll be back soon.

**Q: **My **LORNE** unit's head has been detached, and he's still talking to me. I'm scared.

**A: **Simply re connect his head onto his body. If you don't have his body anymore, you'll just have to live with it. Put him in a basket or on a plate with an apple in his mouth.

**Q: **Dear W&H Characters, my **LORNE** unit insists on PVRing every musical being shown on TV. I've told him there's no room for my shows, and he has to delete them. He won't listen.

**A:** Buy them on DVD.

**Q: **My unit is always singing annoying songs everywhere! How do I make him stop!?

**A: **You ordered a **LORNE **unit. What did you expect?

**Q: **My **LORNE **unit is trying to put a sanctuary spell over my home, and I'm afraid he's going to hurt himself. How can I make him stop?

**A: **He's trying to protect the inhabitants. We don't think that particular spell will injure anyone, but if you think he's endangering your safety, help him hire someone to do it for you.

**Q: **I just bought a limited edition **NUMFAR** unit, and now my **LORNE** unit has locked himself in his room. How do I get him out?

**A: **Get rid of **NUMFAR**. It's the only way, sorry.

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**Warranty: **With proper care, the **LORNE **unit should live to an old age, or an angry demon chops off his head and mangles his body. However, if you get annoyed with the karaoke demon's ways, you can always send him back to our company for a full refund (within six months of purchase).

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Maybe I should do more of these. Did questions on my own, drop a comment for Cordelia, next, please.


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